Yesterday we had an episode that we have not had for a very long time. You know the kind, where something so small sets off a major tantrum. Logan can loose all control in the blink of an eye and I really believe in those moments he doesn't even know what he is saying and thinking. He gets this look in his eyes, almost a blank stare, and he never really comprehends until you speak later when he is calm. The words and actions are just so harsh. His limbs are flailing and he has said the usual, "I hate you, " which in this case does not bother me as much as "I am going to kill you when I grow up" or "I want to kill myself." Those are words that you NEVER want to hear your child say. Later when he is calm and we talk he usually cries, holds me tight and tells me he never meant any of those words. And I believe him. It only happens when he "snaps." BUT, as he gets older what will happen when he "snaps?" These are the things that worry me. But like I said, we have not had one of these in quite some time, so he seems to be growing out this. And I can only hope and pray that that is the case. We have worked hard for so many years to get where we are today and it is a GREAT place!!
These are the moments though that test me the most as a parent. And sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. I have learned (well, still learning really) that even when I fail, I need to apologize, deal with it, and move on, because dwelling on it will not make me a better parent. And it sure does not make me a better wife; when my mind is somewhere else and it should be with my husband. I used to obsess for days and now I don't do that, but it can still monopolize my thoughts for a while anyway. I just want my children to be the best they can be. I want to guide them through the ups and downs of life and that is a BIG job, and I don't take it lightly. There will always be a learning curve in parenting and a whole lot of emotion. I LOVE being a mom, but it sure can be a hard sometimes!